The ‘7th Heaven’ With The Kids Who Huffed Paint Fumes

The ‘7th Heaven’ With The Kids Who Huffed Paint Fumes


(mellow piano music) – Simon does his morning routine: Duck under lovebirds, steal a basketball and ignore some bullying. He hands Mrs. Jasper his latest paper. He knows even if he gets 100%, his grade will still be an 89, but he’s hoping to get extra
credit for turning it in early. Mrs. Jasper tells him to grow up, because the world doesn’t work that way, but if he stays after
school to help the art kids with their mural, she might
raise his already good grade to a slightly better grade. Simon is in.
Because he does not have anything better to do with his time. Simon offers his assistance. They laugh in his face then
do some grade-A bullying. – Wait, he can help. He can wash out our paint
buckets and brushes. (children laughing) – I mean some grade F
minus minus bullying. – Great, this is gonna be fun. – Hey, the real fun comes later. – Eh, the fuck? – Nevermind. – Simon I think these kids are going to put a paint
brush in your butt. The paint posse gets
paranoid and speculate Simon is a spy sent to
infiltrate their operation. Because paint fumes make
you a paranoid dickhole. Simon is reading a book
about how to befriend these white trash drug
addicts when Ruthie comes by for a cute B-Story about making clay noses for her art class who cares. As soon as the custodian
goes home for the night, Pete breaks out a can of
that sweet sweet red stuff he brought from home. He says the spray paint makes art fun! Simon wonders how he can breathe, and Pete says he’ll get used to it. Shiiiit, he might even like
it once he gets a taste. Simon asks where the other kids are, because his snitch instincts
tell him to keep tabs on peers in case he has to rat in the future. This puka shell fiend says
the guys took a “breather”. But when Simon says he could
use a breather, Pete giggles. Simon knows something is up because he is NOT funny. Pete says, – You’re too pure to understand. – Simon. Run. They’re going to put
paintbrushes in your booty. Simon catches the gang blasting off on the paper bag party
train to taste the rainbow! Puka Pete says it’s called “huffing” and it makes you feel like
you’re walking on clouds. The kind of clouds that hover
above a methadone clinic. – You wanna try it? (dramatic music) Or are you too pure?
(laughs) Simon politely declines the opportunity to paint the inside of
his skull metallic orange. They warn if he tattles,
they’ll make his life hell. Which is not much of a threat, because he’s already trapped inside this show. Puka Picasso not feeling so hot! Simon jumps at the
opportunity to find an adult, but Petey tells him to chill. It’s just some brain paint, he’ll add it to the mural later. Simon says he’s quitting
Mural Club, and that is that. Mama Camden says “no you’re
not, because you’re a sweet boy” Simon says, “Golly gee, Mommy”. “Didn’t think about it like that”. “Back to Mural Club I go.” And more b-story about
how shoving art supplies up your nose can also be cute. Getting mixed signals here. Mrs. Jasper breaks the
news that Pete collapsed this morning with a bloody nose. He’s on his way to the hospital, right after he hits a Hobby
Lobby for a pick me up. She asks if Simon knows anything and he puts on his best poker face. Smooth. Papa Camden’s dad alarms are
going through the sunroof. He takes Simon on a snitching cruise. Simon finds a rat loophole. He says he can’t outright snitch, but if his dad guesses what happened, that’s technically not snitching. – (sighs) Give me some place to start. – The visual arts guys
work with a lot of paint. Spray paint. Spray paint, fumes. – We’re talking about huffing, aren’t we? – And if that’s not snitching, I’m the queen of England. Papa Camden says this
huffing stuff is bad news. It can cause heart failure, liver failure, going to Phish concerts. Pete’s mom curses Simon
out because he used to be an A student until he started hanging out with Simon’s B plus ass. And Pete told her Simon brought the paint. Everybody snitching on everybody. Simon waits for Pete to wake
up from his Crayola coma and tells him to un-snitch on Simon, then snitch for real on his friends. Because it’s the right thing to do. And the family gets together
to pat each other on the back for helping kids quit huffing paint and start snitching on each
other in one afternoon. So what did we learn today? Huffing paint is for losers
who wear puka shells. Because if you have to stay
after school to do drugs, they’re not cool drugs. And a B plus is just
as good as an A minus. Definitely not worth the hassle
of hanging out with dudes who have shit on their faces to bump your grade two percentage points. And don’t try to befriend weenies who don’t want to be your buddy, because that makes you
king of all the weenies. And white people in the
suburbs love snitching so much, they’re constantly
inventing new ways to do it. See you next time on A
Very Special Episode.

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